The happiest and saddest I have ever been

On July 30th I went in for a normal prenatal appointment to have my twins checked on. When the nurse took my blood pressure and immediately called the doctor who send sent me to triage, I knew something wasn't right. A night at the hospital and a urine test later the doctor told me what no expecting mom ever wants to hear. I had developed a severe case of preeclamsia and my babies had to be delivered as soon as possible. I was 34 weeks and 5 days pregnant, with a schedules c section another 3 weeks out. Not understanding how critical my condition was, I asked the doctor if I could just stay in bed rest for the next 3 weeks to give my babies time to grow.

A transport in the ambulance to another hospital, that had room for my twins in their stage 3 NICU later, my baby girls were born at 34 weeks and 6 days. 5 weeks premature. Babies went right to the NICU and I went to my room for recovery from the c section. 8 hours passed before I was able to see my babies for the first time.

Thankfully both girls were healthy, breathing in their own and completely developed. Just a little small, a little premature, not able to eat on their own yet or hold their body temperature. Both placed in incubators for 10 days, fed through a feeding tube.

I have to go back a little bit. I had a very uncomplicated pregnancy, babies always measured great and so did I. Didn't gain too much weight, up until July 30th my blood pressure had been fine. But I was a miserable pregnant woman. My feet were so swollen that I could barely fit them into Crocs, my ribs were bruised or dislocated or whatever made them hurt me so bad. It was the hottest summer Seattle had seen in many decades. I worked up until 34 weeks. I was done. One day I told my husband under tears that I just "couldn't be pregnant anymore." that I felt like I couldn't handle it one more day.

Now I wish I would have never said those words. Cause with giving birth to my beautiful twins came this unbearable feeling of guilt. Guilt, that I wasn't able to give them those extra 3 weeks. Guilt that I had complaint so much about being pregnant. Guilt that if I would have been able to carry them full term they would have never had to have feeding tubes, or IVs, they would have been able to come home with me and not spend the first weeks of their lives in a hospital, being cared for by nurses instead of their mom.
I failed them. Or at least my body did. And it doesn't matter how many people tell you that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent you from getting preeclamsia. That is it actually great that you made it to almost 35 weeks. That the time in the NICU will fly by. Because it doesn't. When you are not the first to dress your baby, to feed your baby, to hold your baby, there is nothing anyone could say to make you feel ok about it.
Every night that I leave them in the hospital while I go home, peaking into their empty nursery, every time I see a mom with her newborn, I feel like my heart is going to stop beating. I am a mommy without her babies. This little voice in my head tells me that only if I hadn't wished to not be pregnant anymore, my babies would still be in their safe environment, growing and getting ready for this world.

But then I go to see them the next morning, I hear how wonderful they did over night, how they started drinking from the bottle like champs, that they are holding their temps just fine being out of the incubators and I am filled with pride. And joy. Then I get to touch them, hold them, kiss them. These two beautiful creatures that I created. With and in my body. Pieces of me and my husband, real people that came to life because of us. They are our love, put into two little bodies.
I feed them with my milk. They are growing from what I give them. They know my heart beat from the inside, my smell is familiar to them. No one else can give them what I can. I am their mommy. And no one else.
Before they were born, I was afraid I wouldn't automatically love them. That for some reason I would look at them and all I would remember was the pain I went through for months to grow them. But couldn't be further from the truth. The pain is forgotten. All I feel Is love when I look into their big blue eyes or hold their little fingers.

I am the happiest and saddest I have ever been. But looking at them right this moment, I would do it all over again.